19 9 / 2014

stand-up-comic-gifs:

Like fiery eyeball thing, no problem. But don’t even try to imagine a Samoan elf. (x)

(via corporalbutts)

19 9 / 2014

19 9 / 2014

florenceofalabia:

starline:

painted-bees:

ilizashaunch:

So, what do we know about you?
You have a blog about pseudo-grunge fashion and you’re probably obsessed with Paris, Chanel and champagne.
Your Instragram bio just says “Wanderlust.”
You have a small Mini Bijon named Dulce.
You have no issue with any part of your A cup bra showing at any moment. It’s your personal theme every year at Coachella.
You love telling people that you’re a dreamer.
You’re “obsessed” with coconut water.
You tried collecting vinyl records for a bit but ultimately realized that an iPod was easier- regardless, you only listen to music through gigantic headphones. But not Beats. THESE.
In your lifetime you will %100 get an inner wrist/forearm tattoo. It will be in french. It will say something like “To Err is human…” and you will have no idea where that half quote came from. You were gonna get “Live and Let Die” but then you found out the song was from Wings Paul McCartney and not Beatles Paul McCartney and were all like “ew, my parents listened to Wings” so you passed.
So of course you want to be a mermaid. This from the girl who swears she was “the first to be obsessed with unicorns, like, I started that shit in ‘99.” If it’s escapist and ethereal and wholly impractical (see “bathing in Moet)  or physically impossible (see “ingesting a diet of glitter and stars”) or just really naive and annoying (see “Marilyn Monroe is my idol), then it’s all you want. 
But let’s take a second and think about what being a mermaid would entail.
First of all, you will smell. Like fish. 100% of the time. If you ever sun yourself on a rock, your skin will crack from the the salt water baking in the heat and you will stink well, like fish left in the sun. For the rest of your life you will be surrounded by fish poop, whale pee, oil, cruise liner septic dumpings, dead bodies, machinery wreckage - this is all, of course depending on which ocean you’re in. If you’re in the Atlantic your odds of being gross increase exponentially. 
Assuming you’re somewhere at the top of the maritime food chain, you will have to hunt, with your bare hands, for live food. You will have to physically grab passing fish and immediately kill them. They will bite you, sting you, poison you- whatever they have to do to get away.  You’re going to have to gnaw through, chew and swallow fish scales, bones and eyes like, on a regular basis. Literally anytime you want a snack, unless you wanna be a hippie and just eat kelp or a loser like a whale and sift through plankton, you’re gonna have to turn off the human part of your brain and just mercilessly kill. 
 You will only speak Mermaid, which I’m assuming is similar language to that of a dolphin, so your communication will primarily rely on echolocation- basically just a lot of clicking and squeaking. But, even if you master this practice, it only limits you to communication with other mermaids. You can’t communicate or, more importantly, reason with predators. Predators like the Porbeagle Shark who will attack you. The Porbeagle Shark will attack you, on sight, and absolutely eat you alive. You can echolocate all you want but no one in your mer family is gonna swim to your rescue. You have people hands and he has teeth capable of inflicting up to 1000 lbs of pressure per square inch. Sorry, you don’t use imperial measurements because you’re a fish. Not square inch, “square guppy.”
You won’t have a jacket. I guess you’ll be cold blooded so that will help. 
You will probably never have a pet. Fish aren’t really loyal and anything that’s a mammal will probably want to be with its own family. Most seals are mean and having a pet manatee (sea cow) would be like having a cow on land, not thrilling. I guess you could swim around with a drowned cat. No one is gonna want to be friends with you though. 
Your days will pretty much be spent endlessly swimming. Swimming. Eating and trying not to be eaten. That’s what animals do. I don’t even think you’ll sleep. I think fish just always swim, pretty sure they die if they don’t. Ugh, you’re gonna be so stressed. 
You will have no phone. You can find a conch shell and pretend to have a phone? You won’t even be able to put it to your ear to listen to the ocean because that “trick” relies on resonation of ambient noise within the shell and, well, your ears will be filled with water, so will the shell. So no calls for you. 
No calls. No warm food (save the still beating heart of whatever Tuna you capture). No bed. No sleep. 
Only fear, cold water and dead fish. This will be your mer-reality.
Still want to be a mermaid? I didn’t think so. You’re lunch break is up, get back inside Brandy Melville. 
It’s like $80. And you’ll pay it. Why? Because you loooooove mermaids!

I’m not convinced that this dude doesn’t realize mermaids are 500% pure fantasy. 
Let me tell you, in my world, mermaids are swole motherfuckers. They smell like fresh, sun-kissed babyflesh dowsed in lavender, and ride sweet ass laser sharks (made loyal by magical, bloodbound fish oath, fuck you). They can sink galleons with their fists, they fuck pirates, they gain their sustenance by devouring the raw terror of their enemies and by swallowing whole any pessimistic asspickle who shits on other people’s flights of fancy. They don’t need no fucking cellphones because these cold ass bitches are telepathic, motherfucker. That’s right, they can communicate with each other from anywhere in the world; perfect reception, no roaming fees!  And tuna?? Man, fuck tuna, they’ll eat your still beating heart, and it’ll taste like fucking nirvana. They feel no fear, they are the fear. Their emotional range is simple as shit; there’s the ever present rapturous joy,and then there’s the unpredictable fits of violent, cold-blooded rage that can only be quelled by ripping a full grown man in half with their bare hands. And they slumber. They slumber in the blood of non-believers. 
If you wouldn’t rather be this, you’re a lying piece of shit.
 Fuck yeah, mermaids! 

OP is just bitter about not being a badass mermaid. 

Response is perfect.

florenceofalabia:

starline:

painted-bees:

ilizashaunch:

So, what do we know about you?

You have a blog about pseudo-grunge fashion and you’re probably obsessed with Paris, Chanel and champagne.

Your Instragram bio just says “Wanderlust.”

You have a small Mini Bijon named Dulce.

You have no issue with any part of your A cup bra showing at any moment. It’s your personal theme every year at Coachella.

You love telling people that you’re a dreamer.

You’re “obsessed” with coconut water.

You tried collecting vinyl records for a bit but ultimately realized that an iPod was easier- regardless, you only listen to music through gigantic headphones. But not Beats. THESE.

In your lifetime you will %100 get an inner wrist/forearm tattoo. It will be in french. It will say something like “To Err is human…” and you will have no idea where that half quote came from. You were gonna get “Live and Let Die” but then you found out the song was from Wings Paul McCartney and not Beatles Paul McCartney and were all like “ew, my parents listened to Wings” so you passed.

So of course you want to be a mermaid. This from the girl who swears she was “the first to be obsessed with unicorns, like, I started that shit in ‘99.” If it’s escapist and ethereal and wholly impractical (see “bathing in Moet)  or physically impossible (see “ingesting a diet of glitter and stars”) or just really naive and annoying (see “Marilyn Monroe is my idol), then it’s all you want. 

But let’s take a second and think about what being a mermaid would entail.

First of all, you will smell. Like fish. 100% of the time. If you ever sun yourself on a rock, your skin will crack from the the salt water baking in the heat and you will stink well, like fish left in the sun. For the rest of your life you will be surrounded by fish poop, whale pee, oil, cruise liner septic dumpings, dead bodies, machinery wreckage - this is all, of course depending on which ocean you’re in. If you’re in the Atlantic your odds of being gross increase exponentially. 

Assuming you’re somewhere at the top of the maritime food chain, you will have to hunt, with your bare hands, for live food. You will have to physically grab passing fish and immediately kill them. They will bite you, sting you, poison you- whatever they have to do to get away.  You’re going to have to gnaw through, chew and swallow fish scales, bones and eyes like, on a regular basis. Literally anytime you want a snack, unless you wanna be a hippie and just eat kelp or a loser like a whale and sift through plankton, you’re gonna have to turn off the human part of your brain and just mercilessly kill. 

 You will only speak Mermaid, which I’m assuming is similar language to that of a dolphin, so your communication will primarily rely on echolocation- basically just a lot of clicking and squeaking. But, even if you master this practice, it only limits you to communication with other mermaids. You can’t communicate or, more importantly, reason with predators. Predators like the Porbeagle Shark who will attack you. The Porbeagle Shark will attack you, on sight, and absolutely eat you alive. You can echolocate all you want but no one in your mer family is gonna swim to your rescue. You have people hands and he has teeth capable of inflicting up to 1000 lbs of pressure per square inch. Sorry, you don’t use imperial measurements because you’re a fish. Not square inch, “square guppy.”

You won’t have a jacket. I guess you’ll be cold blooded so that will help. 

You will probably never have a pet. Fish aren’t really loyal and anything that’s a mammal will probably want to be with its own family. Most seals are mean and having a pet manatee (sea cow) would be like having a cow on land, not thrilling. I guess you could swim around with a drowned cat. No one is gonna want to be friends with you though. 

Your days will pretty much be spent endlessly swimming. Swimming. Eating and trying not to be eaten. That’s what animals do. I don’t even think you’ll sleep. I think fish just always swim, pretty sure they die if they don’t. Ugh, you’re gonna be so stressed. 

You will have no phone. You can find a conch shell and pretend to have a phone? You won’t even be able to put it to your ear to listen to the ocean because that “trick” relies on resonation of ambient noise within the shell and, well, your ears will be filled with water, so will the shell. So no calls for you. 

No calls. No warm food (save the still beating heart of whatever Tuna you capture). No bed. No sleep. 

Only fear, cold water and dead fish. This will be your mer-reality.

Still want to be a mermaid? I didn’t think so. You’re lunch break is up, get back inside Brandy Melville

It’s like $80. And you’ll pay it. Why? Because you loooooove mermaids!

I’m not convinced that this dude doesn’t realize mermaids are 500% pure fantasy. 

Let me tell you, in my world, mermaids are swole motherfuckers. They smell like fresh, sun-kissed babyflesh dowsed in lavender, and ride sweet ass laser sharks (made loyal by magical, bloodbound fish oath, fuck you). They can sink galleons with their fists, they fuck pirates, they gain their sustenance by devouring the raw terror of their enemies and by swallowing whole any pessimistic asspickle who shits on other people’s flights of fancy. They don’t need no fucking cellphones because these cold ass bitches are telepathic, motherfucker. That’s right, they can communicate with each other from anywhere in the world; perfect reception, no roaming fees!
 And tuna?? Man, fuck tuna, they’ll eat your still beating heart, and it’ll taste like fucking nirvana. They feel no fear, they are the fear. Their emotional range is simple as shit; there’s the ever present rapturous joy,and then there’s the unpredictable fits of violent, cold-blooded rage that can only be quelled by ripping a full grown man in half with their bare hands. And they slumber. They slumber in the blood of non-believers. 

If you wouldn’t rather be this, you’re a lying piece of shit.


 Fuck yeah, mermaids! 

OP is just bitter about not being a badass mermaid. 

Response is perfect.

(via bassoonerthebetter)

18 9 / 2014

sluttiestkitten:

all girls are fucking beautiful and if you try to make them feel like they aren’t because they have fuzzy legs or chubby bellies fuck you

(via bleproxursox)

18 9 / 2014

kireinahana:

spoken-not-written:

stunningpicture:

When radiologists take a selfie

dead

Wait I’ve seen this

kireinahana:

spoken-not-written:

stunningpicture:

When radiologists take a selfie

dead

Wait I’ve seen this

(via bleproxursox)

18 9 / 2014

kireinahana:

thirp:

I don’t know why but this looks to me like I’m on an operation table receiving surgery from cats

Nevermind this is it

kireinahana:

thirp:

I don’t know why but this looks to me like I’m on an operation table receiving surgery from cats

Nevermind this is it

(Source: catasters, via bleproxursox)

18 9 / 2014

fahrlight:

gethenian:

lunarch-sounds:

brichibi:

avengette:

cuntsman-sniper:

destielkills:

twowandsandadrink:

totemo-kawaii—ne:

omgtsn:

shittingllamas:

dudewhodoesthings:

kystokeable:

sizvideos:

Watch it in video

No. 

No this is not funny.

Whether or not it is a joke, I’ve gone onto the channel and there are multiple videos similar to this, which makes me think they’re fake.

Doesn’t matter. 

These videos enforce the idea to parents that yes, the answer to stop your child becoming obsessed with games is to DESTROY them.

No. This is not funny. It is things like this that cause events such as the father who SHOT his daughter’s laptop to bits to occur. These jokes enforce the attitude that people are ‘wrong’ for loving games.

For wanting to play games. 

For some people (including myself), games are a serious escape from horrid realities. The only escape some people can get. The idea that this man (boy?) is wrong for being so upset is disgusting to me?

This is horrific. This is abuse. This is wrong.

This is a sure fire way to get your kids to hate you.

do people not understand how much video games cost?

Video games are a multi-billion dollar business. Some people are good at it. Very good. Do not squander your child’s talents, help them realize them and strengthen them. There are other ways to get your child outside without destroying their games and everything they work for. This won’t solve anything; this will only set them back further.

do this to your childs anything and they will automatically hate you/not trust you

It doesn’t matter what it is

It doesn’t matter if its their video games or if its their smoking pipe

If you just destroy it/throw it away, you are giving no explanation as to why it’s bad/you don’t want them to have it

This can actually psychologically mess a kid up because you teach them that if someone doesn’t like something, they should destroy it

That can lead to some serious problems with socializing with others and other things

dont do that to people

dont

I had a notebook I used to write in all the time. I did that thing that Margo did in Paper Towns where she criss crossed her writing, but I did it so I’d have enough room to write everything. I took it everywhere wtih me and wouldn’t let my parents even start the car unless I had in in my lap. My dad got really annoyed by this and said I needed to throw the notebook away, what was written in it wasn’t important anyway (it was to me, very much so). So one day he took and ran it through the paper shredder.
Ever since I’ve had an intense fear of losing my notebooks and currently have a colletion of 53 blank notebooks and 16 that have been written in because I’ve started hoarding them.
Long story short, don’t fucking do this to your kids. You think it’s harmless and some people even think it’s clever, but you’re really just an asshole and are causing actual psychological problems for your children.

I have a plush rabbit that I’ve had since Easter of the year I was born (I was about 2 months old when I got it). It quickly became a comfort thing for me and I used to go everywhere with it as a child. When my mum and dad split up was when I became kind of dependent on having it around.
If ever I did anything wrong mum always threatened to take it away from me, which obviously caused my 6-year-old self to kick and scream and cry because I needed it.
One day I lost it for 6 or 7 months (turns out it was in my room the whole time but shh it was very well hidden & neither myself or my mum know how it got there)
That was the point that my mum realised she couldn’t threaten to take it away because holy shit I changed so much in those months.

Seriously, if your child is dependent on something, or takes great comfort in having it around
DO NOT TAKE IT FROM THEM.
It does not matter how old your child is, what their comfort item is, if it’s a video games console - don’t take it from them. If it’s their phone - don’t take it from them. If they’re 18 and still sleep with a teddybear - don’t take it from them.


This also goes for if your child is self-harming. If they have a blade in their bedroom and you find it DO NOT THROW IT OUT. Talk to them about it, be as supportive as you can, but do not think “oh well if I get rid of it they’ll be fine”. It can be seriously distressing and also lead to them becoming creative with what they use.

Getting a job and becoming an active member of society is important, but this is not the way to get your kid to do so. As others have previously stated, this is how to get your kid to hate you. Have a problem with your kids? Talk. To. Them.

Stop acting like your kid’s hobby is hazardous.  Video games, comic books, cosplay, stop assuming that something you perceive as strange has a negative effect, because I bet if this boy was into football as much as he was into video games this video would’ve never happened. Destroying what your kid loves will only create hostility, instead, try understanding it and not treating it like trash.  

Dear god this is sad

Before I was diagnosed with ADD, I came home one day to find my room completely bare of anything but my bed. My parents thought this was a good way to force me to become more academically responsible.

It did not work. I have never totally trusted my family since then and it takes monumental effort to get me to tell anyone the truth about anything. I became a compulsive liar and feel like I need to make up excuses for everything I do and hide even the most mundane actions or possessions. I hoard things and hide my stuff and freak out if I have to admit to needing or wanting anything. I feel a constant need to prove that I am intellectually superior to everyone around me and I am habitually cruel And vitriolic and hold academic grudges like an alpha wolf holding an imaginary social position.

Do not EVER do this to your children.

this goes for siblings too. my sister ruined on pair of shoes I had to “stop me calling her names” and ripped them apart. like that’s a way to react to somebody who is upset. if somebody is calling you names, don’t do the same, stay calm and TALK to them. Don’t take their things, things they saved up for and like a lot, and destroy them. They will never trust you again.

(via tonystarkr)

18 9 / 2014

sisterjudyjudybobudy:

weetbixgod:

hotdadcalendar:

I’m actually concerned for boys who complain about how different girls look without makeup. Like did you think eyeshadow permanently alters a girls eyelid? Are you frightened when people change clothes

Babies have no concept of object permanence

That’s one of the sickest burns I’ve ever read. 

(via fuckyeahloldemort)

18 9 / 2014

nateswinehart:

Being good to each other is so important, guys.

(via perks-of-being-chinese)

18 9 / 2014

motherfuckingdragonsyo:

I made an old lady blush today at work because she ordered two senior coffees and I said “SENIOR ? I’m sorry miss, i’m going to have to ask to see some ID.” and she covered her mouth and went “Oh dear me” and couldn’t stop smiling

(via bleproxursox)

18 9 / 2014

yakfrost:

youhavetobelieveinme:

can you tell i am a pro at keeping track of my files
image

me tooimage

(via perks-of-being-chinese)

17 9 / 2014

karin-420:

!!!!!! Please block / report / avoid tumblr user xthefaceofthefacelessx

Once upon a time, I made a nicki minaj gif, this post happened, and as a result he got a bunch of anons (rightfully) pointing out that a 36 year old man was DEFINITELY acting inappropriately. He decided that I, as the creator of the GIF, was some huge mastermind of people out to get him, and decided he’d “get me back” and “make me regret it” by spamming my inbox with shit like this. 

While it didn’t really faze me, this is defintely, 100 percent sexual harassment, and tumblr’s solution was to block him, which, as we all know, does absolutely nothing to actually keep him off of my blog. I’d appreciate if this got as much attention as possible before he does this to someone who is actually underage, or who he would actually upset.

I’m posting all his asks now but heres my tag for him for future ref. You can find all of these asks there.

(via canadad)

17 9 / 2014

17 9 / 2014

jykinturah:

kimpossibooty:

professoroakofficial:

isaacjamess:

One of the best out takes from any television show, ever. 

HE FUCKING STRAIGHT-FACED THAT

This man is a guardian of the galaxy

you can just see the split second where everyone is processing what he said

(Source: prekrasnoe-mngnovenie, via corporalbutts)

17 9 / 2014

gunpowderandspark:

dapperhatsandfancypants:

theausterevolunteer:

oscarstardis:

stillmonkeys:

From A Series of Unfortunate Events DVD commentary track.

if you haven’t watched this film with the commentary then you are missing out, it’s hilarious. “Lemony Snicket” was completely unhappy with the film and wanted no real part of it and so in the commentary he just fucks about. Seriously, at one point he gets out an accordion and drowns out the director with his playing

"nearly all of my life"

Lemony Snicket sass is what I aspire to in life.

"Lemony Snicket" (Dan Handler) was asked if he liked the movie.
He said “I love the movie as much as someone who wrote 8 drafts of a movie before being fired from his own creation could possibly be.”
The man’s life is sarcasm and it’s beautiful.

gunpowderandspark:

dapperhatsandfancypants:

theausterevolunteer:

oscarstardis:

stillmonkeys:

From A Series of Unfortunate Events DVD commentary track.

if you haven’t watched this film with the commentary then you are missing out, it’s hilarious. “Lemony Snicket” was completely unhappy with the film and wanted no real part of it and so in the commentary he just fucks about. Seriously, at one point he gets out an accordion and drowns out the director with his playing

"nearly all of my life"

Lemony Snicket sass is what I aspire to in life.

"Lemony Snicket" (Dan Handler) was asked if he liked the movie.

He said “I love the movie as much as someone who wrote 8 drafts of a movie before being fired from his own creation could possibly be.”

The man’s life is sarcasm and it’s beautiful.

(via jajachaik)